Another lap around the sun for planet Earth. Deciding where the beginning and end of a circle are is a bit more than I’d like to fathom at the moment, but the beginning of a new year is always a good time for reflections. I don’t see reinvention though, but an apt time to simply look at progress, goals, check the definition of “here” and “there” and to see if all the effort is worth it.
“New year, new me” isn’t really a thing. Change does happen that way sometimes — from sudden, concerted efforts and focus — but it also comes incrementally…usually it happens without us noticing. That’s why I like to do a post each year, so I can look back on the last one and see if any change happened, and most importantly, where my efforts went vs where I thought they would go.
2024’s post wasn’t written in bullet points, but in sprawling inquiry into myself: who I was vs who I wanted to be. Re-reading it I was able to pull out some main points though — points that could be considered goals. I didn’t seem to keep them in mind though as I progressed through 2024. Looking at the previous year, it was marked by tremendous malaise, and it was a year to simply get through.
I did cool stuff, but also struggled to actually care about anything. Just faking my way through each day became the standard. Not seeking or achieving goals, but instead looking to stay mentally aware and not just fade into non-existence. Sounds depressing, and I suppose it is, but it’s also a thing I know about myself and can accept.
I’m either massively invested and passionate about something or I’m just “switched off,” uninterested in anything. I’ve been that way at least since my teens, and it’s why I gravitated to things like motorsport and music so intensely. But really, there just isn’t the “thing” these days. No carrot, no stick, no wave to ride, no windmill to charge at. Flatly, I just don’t care about anything.
The word for that is “nihilism.” One of the foundations of that philosophy though is that nothing can be known or communicated. That never resonates with me, as nihilism itself attempts to communicate that nothing can be communicated. Hell, what nihilist would post on a blog reflecting about the last year and pondering the next?
But overthinking this kind of stuff is a great way to understand things on an intellectual level, but make zero progress actually applying new ways of being to your life. Philosophy in general is a place for circular thinking and complicating thoughts, until you have to start over. So, looking in practical terms — what am I doing, what should I be doing, what specific steps do I start with — can be more useful. Instead of trying to plan the plan, take steps and adjust as you go…let that be the plan
Looking back
So, the 2024 post essentially talked about trying to enter a few one-off races to see if it helped me find some excitement. Nihilism made sure that didn’t happen. I didn’t want to attend events at all, though I was very happy to attend the 10-year anniversary celebration of the Veterans Charity Ride. Because I have volunteered six different years, I got to see a bunch of people from several past rides.
That’s the only “event” I attended. Going to see the Martin Mars make its final landing was kind of an event, but I’d have attended even if I was the only person on the shoreline. It wasn’t an event so much as a necessary function; the plane had to get from one place to another and it was the last time it would fly. That’s not the same as a motorcycle rally or a concert or a race.
Another goal I had was to travel, but that was a no-brainer. It ended up being a mess but I made it work. I was initially thinking of Alaska but just couldn’t bring myself to actually care about the trip. Then came Newfoundland and I finally got a bit excited, but the Mars’s final flight was moved up, so I had to change course. The entire trip ended up being a sort of mega-commute, riding long days on interstate.
That’s not “travel” in the sense I was after. That’s truck stops, motels, ten-hour days on straight roads, no stopping to smell the roses or get a feel for a small town…just hammer down, head into the wind, and keep checking the odometer. It’s better than sitting at a desk from 9-5 day in, day out, but perspective is what matters.
If you’re at a desk, being on a road trip of any kind sounds good. If you’re planning a trip through the backroads of America and end up hammering down the interstate with the truckers, it isn’t much of a road trip… all things are relative.
The other thing I was aiming for in my 2024 was the gold standard: “diet and exercise.” I usually just write D&E on my typewriter because I mention it so often. That was a mixed bag. Depression, loneliness, boredom, and the malaise of 2024 meant a lot of sitting in a tent drinking whiskey, and being in a hurry meant a lot of hasty meals.
I mixed in some good campside cooking though, and drank a lot of carbonated water instead of beer, but you can’t tell by looking at the results from my latest blood test; I’m pretty sure I’ve aged eight years in the last five years. We can just call that goal “mixed.”
May not be photo-ready, but simple ingredients and as few as possible are the start of a “road diet” that doesn’t involve preservatives and fast food.
What I notice overall is I went through the motions of being alive as well as I could. I was able to spend some time with friends and enjoyed it, but there were also multiple times where I just holed up in a place for nearly a week simply because I lacked the energy to pack up and move to the next place (sorry Kendra).
Looking forward
In summation I did my best to stay alive, but to actually thrive is the goal, and that is extremely difficult when you don’t particularly care if you’re alive. It would be nice to chalk it up to mid-life crisis, but a Corvette and a girlfriend half my age would not solve anything. I do wonder though if something wildly spontaneous wouldn’t at least help shake things up and refocus myself, or show me some new possibilities.
When you remove the cliche of mid-life crisis that’s actually what people are doing. They accomplished all these goals in raising family, in career, in community, and they start to feel unfulfilled. The thrill of the hunt and the search for improvement drives most people regardless of nationality or gender or age. So when things go from “getting better” to “pretty good” it can actually be the worst thing for you.
What new windmill can you chase? Oh, to be out there in the forest with the dogs barking and beating of hooves, on the hunt. Nevermind the fact that it’s cold and damp and you’re hungry and tired: it’s the hunt! I suppose if that’s the problem, then chasing trashy chicks on Tinder and a new sports car might actually be a solution…at least in the short-term.
That’s not the case for me though. “The thrill is gone” is not the same as “I need to find the thrill again.” It isn’t always an absence of something thrilling that causes the wind to fall out of one’s sails; sometimes there’s just no wind. A lack of passion is not solved by finding something to be passionate about. That would be like not having any gasoline but looking for a car.
Looking forward ain’t so easy, is it? We have to imagine not only the world in the future, but ourselves. Then we must relate the two to each other before even beginning the “what do I want it to be” segment. I think this is why stupid people are happier; none of that makes any sense to them and they just look ahead and try to get what they want, and blame an externality if they can’t achieve it.
But of course things are that simple. Make no mistake — if you want to “diet & exercise” you just change your diet and start exercising. Doesn’t matter if you could be exercising more effectively or that your program is all wrong…you’re still doing something. Even if it’s “wrong,” doing something is better than trying to figure out the most effective way to do something. Use either method and I assure you you’ll definitely have to make adjustments based on real-world experience, so why waste the time over-planning?
Righty-O then. What should 2025 look like for ol’ Johnny? [long pause] [longer [pause]. Damnit man, just care about something. Probably “yourself” is a great place to start. But of course if you know about S.M.A.R.T. goals you know “specific” and “measurable” are the first two things.
Maybe I should see what the going rate is on used Corvettes?
Not so smart
What it takes is chaos and order in the correct ratio. Just now I went to pick up smokes, then ended up in Mexico eating the hell out of some tacos and drinking beer. Genius? Why, thank you. But in actuality it was a simple math problem. When you are sick of listening to your head, put your body in a place that doesn’t allow your head a bunch of thinking-time.
Suddenly, you will end up in a place where all that matters is what is in front of you. My particular version of that was crossing into another country and eating too much food. If that was the answer though, I could write a self-help book that’s three pages long. No, it worked this time, but it isn’t the answer…it’s the answer of the moment.
So, let’s get to this 2025 business…
Not really
So after all this, I’m at “new year, new me?” No, of course not.
I can see this coming year as “process, not progress.” All that means is, am I happier now? Looking back from January of 2026, will 2025 look like it was worth living? I clearly can’t know, and SMART goals won’t fix it any more than a band-aid can fix a severed artery.
So, what do I do this year? Exist.
Sorry, future me. The truth is, I can’t make you better…I don’t even know you. You literally don’t exist. So, when you do exist and look back at this, lemmie tell you an important thing: you didn’t matter at the moment. I did. I don’t know what the hell will make “now” me happy, so why should I try to make you happy?
You need to make you happy, now. Ignore “before.” Take the lessons, sure. No reason to re-re-re-learn that people who say they love you actually just love what you do for them right now. That’s exactly why the me of now can’t tell the you of January 2026 what to do.
You want bullet points? Sure:
- Scare yourself
- Stop trying to find a massive solution in a single epiphany
- Find the thing in front of you right now, and engage in it
- Continue being alive. Remember that it is always a gift, because the very next second in front of you is not promised or guaranteed.
Congratulations, you are enlightened.
In smaller steps, a SMART goal is not my 2025. I will find a place to travel to, and travel there. In the process, I will remember to call the people who return my calls. I will send some more postcards and letters. I will look for the moments between thoughts, because that is where enlightenment exists.
In practical terms, I have no terms. I don’t care where I go, what I see, or who I meet. 2025 is the year of no expectations. I will look at wide-angle things: discover “community,” “contribute,” “create stories,” “share stories.”
I simply won’t create “new” in any form, as the more I try to hold onto an idea, the more it wants to slip from my grasp. Ever tried to hold onto a bar of soap in a prison shower room? Me neither, but you get the idea.
Johnny Killmore 